The Rules of Disengagement

In November 2011 my beloved canine companion, Lita, passed away. Although most people would not understand this, this event has forever changed my life. It's so hard to lose the ones you love most.

That very same week last Novemeber an old aquaintence from high school that I've befriended via Facebook lost her fiancee of one year to a motorcycle accident. One morning he left for work, and just like that he was gone forever.

I thought of her often and thought that if only one person on this earth understood how I felt right then, it was her. Losing a friend or a family member is awful enough, but there is something different and much more awful when the person lost shares your life so intimately with you. Waking up together, eating meals together, just spending the down time together.....all these things leave what feels like huge, gaping holes in your life. No day will ever be the same because they are no longer here to live it with you. Her grief made me feel connected to someone when I felt so disconnected from the world. We all grieve the same.

Or do we?

Since that fateful day in November I have been completely fucking gutted. Nothing has quite been the same and I don't expect for it to be. Some would call me overly dramatic, overly emotional, and that's fine. It's the only way I know how to be right now. At least one person understands.

Or does she?

Last week this old high school aquaintance/Facebook friend of mine updated her Facebook status to "in a relationship". And just like that, she has moved on.

Today in the shower I wrote Lita's name in body wash on my bath loofa. Just like I do everyday since she passed away. That small, insignificant action makes me feel connected to her again, even if just for as long as the bubbles last.

And there is no Facebook status update for that.