Lita

Lita and I got off to a rocky start. I wasn't looking for a dog and she sure wasn't looking for someone else to tell her what to do. But I loved him and he loved her, and so the story goes until one chipped tooth, countless eaten cat toys, a shredded (and irreplacable, limited edition) Donna Karan bag and 6 months later, I was a proud and happy dog owner.

It was easy to fall in love with Lita, most people do. She is so sweet and so smart, she could have easily been a service dog, but that wasn't her place in this world. She belongs with me.

Over the 10 years we've spent together Lita has been my best friend, and often my only friend. She's always up for anything, a car ride, long walk, or just a cuddle and nap. I love how she seems to instinctively know when I am sad or having a bad day, and it's those times that she visits me with her puppy eyes wide, her tail wagging and so many kisses that I forget what was wrong in the first place. She has shown me such love and such loyalty that I am forever changed by her.

About a year ago Lita started to slow down. Her rear legs started to fail her and since then her health has been a downward spiral. Turns out 13 year old dogs are not good canidates for double knee surgery. While I've tried my best to keep her comfortable, there is nothing I can do to actually help her to get better. Last week Lita lost the ability to stand or walk independently and I am left with just a single tool in my toolbox. The only thing I can give her now is her freedom.

And so I must.

Tonight is her last night on this earth with me and I've tried to give her the perfect last day. Even as I type these words I feel my my heart ache. There is a Porterhouse on the grill just for her and after dinner I'm going to use every blanket and pillow in the house to turn the livingroom into a fortress just for us where we will cuddle and watch tv all night. I won't sleep a wink, I'll just lay with her all night stroking her fur and thanking her for bringing me so much love and happiness and telling her how much I will miss her face everyday.

Morning will come and the reality of the situation will hit me again like a ton of bricks. Tomorrow night my Lita will be gone and there is nothing I can do to change that. I am broken. No words can begin to express the depths of my sorrow.

The best I can hope for is that she leaves this world feeling even half as loved as she makes me feel. And that she knows I know how lucky I've been to have had her. Lita is an irreplacable, limited edition all on her own.

Goodbye my Beautiful Bear, Lita. I will always love you.

Homeless

For over 10 years he was my lover, my closest friend, my confidant, my…home. No matter what the problem or how bad the day I could always find solace in his words and in his arms. It was an unusual but very special relationship, the kind of connection I think few people ever find in a lifetime. But I found it.

At times over the years, we both had relationships with other people, but they always seemed so insignificant. Our bond was special and could not be broken. No matter what happened or who came and went, we always ended up back together with each other. We promised each other forever and I believed we both meant it. He was the one constant in my life.

It’s been three months since I saw the picture. The picture taken and posted by his “estranged” wife. She had fallen in love with someone else and had ended their marriage. She was looking for her own apartment, and he was hoping for an amicable divorce from the mistake he had made, or so I had been led to believe. He claimed they were really just friends, and that a serious health scare and her ability to provide a spouse with health insurance were the only reasons the hasty, loveless, mistake of a marriage ever occurred.

But the picture told another story. It told the story of a greedy man. A man that was working on both a marriage and a mistress, expecting their paths would never cross. But they did cross, the day I saw the picture.

All the suspicions I had buried were now floating on the surface of my heart. The fake marriage wasn’t so fake after all. The pending divorce was not pending. My head spun at the amount of lying and scheming someone I held so dear to me was capable of. How could he trample on the feelings of someone he claimed to care for so much? It’s still a mystery to me.

And although I had been living my life under a veil of deceit and misconception, she doubted me and forgave the bastard. I suppose that she, much like me, wanted to believe him so desperately that she allowed the red flags that waved to be explained away. She wants to believe him. She needs to believe him. Because if she ever allowed the real truth of the matter to creep in, she would be forced to accept the fact that I am not the only fool in this situation, that I am not the only one that was played, that I am not the enemy, but just another victim.

I still find it amazing how a single picture could change my life so much, and leave me… homeless…

Running on Empty

We dated a long time ago and it didn’t end very well. He was a liar and I pretended to be a fool, and it worked for a while, but then the cracks in his stories and my patience got too deep to ignore, and he decided to move on.

At first I was crushed, but over the next few months I told myself that he never really rejected me for the simple fact that he never really knew who I was. I pretended to be who I thought he wanted, and in the end, he didn’t want that girl either.

After the breakup and a couple years had passed, we somehow started talking again and became friends, or as much as one can be a friend in that position. He apologized for treating me so bad, for lying, for hurting me. He was a whole new person now and he asked me to forgive him, which I did. But I never could forget.

Our relationship would ebb and flow over the next several years. At times we were each others strongest supporters, at other times each others worst enemies. But we were never quite just friends. I soon realized that no matter how much you may want to, you can never forget the past or the history you share with someone. He was able to stir the strongest emotions in me that anyone has ever reached, and he still could. And did.

The problem was that he still didn’t care. I was still in love with him after all these years, and he was still in love with himself. Only this time around, I could no longer pretend to be the fool I once was. I could no longer deny the emptiness I felt by his lack of love for me. And I wondered how much longer I could continue to keep him in my life under the premise of friendship when it left my soul running on empty.