Homeless

For over 10 years he was my lover, my closest friend, my confidant, my…home. No matter what the problem or how bad the day I could always find solace in his words and in his arms. It was an unusual but very special relationship, the kind of connection I think few people ever find in a lifetime. But I found it.

At times over the years, we both had relationships with other people, but they always seemed so insignificant. Our bond was special and could not be broken. No matter what happened or who came and went, we always ended up back together with each other. We promised each other forever and I believed we both meant it. He was the one constant in my life.

It’s been three months since I saw the picture. The picture taken and posted by his “estranged” wife. She had fallen in love with someone else and had ended their marriage. She was looking for her own apartment, and he was hoping for an amicable divorce from the mistake he had made, or so I had been led to believe. He claimed they were really just friends, and that a serious health scare and her ability to provide a spouse with health insurance were the only reasons the hasty, loveless, mistake of a marriage ever occurred.

But the picture told another story. It told the story of a greedy man. A man that was working on both a marriage and a mistress, expecting their paths would never cross. But they did cross, the day I saw the picture.

All the suspicions I had buried were now floating on the surface of my heart. The fake marriage wasn’t so fake after all. The pending divorce was not pending. My head spun at the amount of lying and scheming someone I held so dear to me was capable of. How could he trample on the feelings of someone he claimed to care for so much? It’s still a mystery to me.

And although I had been living my life under a veil of deceit and misconception, she doubted me and forgave the bastard. I suppose that she, much like me, wanted to believe him so desperately that she allowed the red flags that waved to be explained away. She wants to believe him. She needs to believe him. Because if she ever allowed the real truth of the matter to creep in, she would be forced to accept the fact that I am not the only fool in this situation, that I am not the only one that was played, that I am not the enemy, but just another victim.

I still find it amazing how a single picture could change my life so much, and leave me… homeless…

The duct taped cat

It doesn’t happen very often, but sometimes the cruelty of others really surprises me. I think about the cat that was in the news a while back for being completely duct taped by some fucking idiot.

Today I feel like that cat. Bound with hateful, hurtful words instead of duct tape and left abandoned so everyone can point and laugh at the freak. The loser. Yeah, that’s me today.

I believe there are different levels and degrees of betrayal. Some are forgivable, some take a while to forgive, while others are so reprehensible that when it happens, you have to wonder if you ever knew the betrayer at all. The more you trust someone, the deeper the betrayal. They know your weaknesses and capitalize on them.

His hurtful words ring in my head endlessly. And even more so in my heavy heart. I wonder how I never saw this cruel side of him before, then again, I am doubting everything I’ve ever thought or felt right now. It’s amazing, and very sad, how a day and a few choice words can change how you feel about yourself, your life, your past, and your future. I guess that’s to be expected when you are living a lie and everyone knows the truth except for you.

This one is going to take a while to shake. I’m going to pull the duct tape back up over my eyes for now. Take my pound of flesh and go.